References and Resources for Girls

Resources and Recommended Reading

Odd Girl Out, The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls by Rachel Simmons

Girls, Bullying Behavior and Peer Relationships: The Double Edged Sword of Exclusion and Rejection by Barbara Leckie

www.girlsleadershipinstitute.org

Women’s’ Ways of Knowing by Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberg, and Tarule

The Girl Within by Emily Hancock

The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine

Parenting from the Inside Out by Siegel and Hartzell

Numerous websites for girls and parents

http://comminfo.rutgers.edu/professional-development/childlit/girllist.html

Reviving Ophelia by Mary Pipher

www.ClubOphelia.com

Little Girls Can be Mean by Michelle Anthony

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World by Rosalind Wiseman

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Preschool to HighSchool--How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle by Barbara Coloroso

Girl Wars: 12 Strategies That Will End Female Bullying by Cheryl Dellasega, Charisse Nixon

Odd Girl Speaks Out: Girls Write about Bullies, Cliques, Popularity, and Jealousy by Rachel Simmons

Naomi Drew Bully-Free Classrooms  (2010)

 

Trudy Ludwig My Secret Bully about a girl's FRIEND who bullies her, and Confessions of a Former Bully

Short videos of actual bullying

Bullying makes me question who I am as a person
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MDa9jTgRa0k

Why it's hard for teachers and principals to find out what's going on as the socially adept girl wins favor and bullies further
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4kh4r99ZkI&feature=related

Feeling worthless
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vk_k2pnMO9o&feature=related

Say what you don't like and exactly what you want as a victim or bystander, firmness not kindness stops the act of bullying
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fx_Cnga3iPU&feature=related

List of Questions to Interview Your Babysitter or Nanny

Requirements: ( depending on the age of your child)

Please be on time.

No television.

Do not let strangers hold her.

Please wash your hands before you pick up her.

Please wash your hands in the house frequently.

Do not let her near smoke or smokers.

Please do not wear perfume.

While she is napping please help around the house with cleaning, picking up, laundry, etc.

Please provide 48 hour notice if you cannot arrive on time.

Please contact us immediately if you are sick and cannot come to the house.

Do not come if you are sick.

Responsibilities:

Lots of love and care.

Play with her using her toys.

Speak to her.

Sing to her.

Laugh with her.

Help her walk.

Help her use eye hand coordination.

Attend local mom’s groups with her.

Typical day:

Describe your typical day.  All this is dependent upon the age of your child.  Below, an infants day is described.  

She is usually in three hour cycles; she wants milk every three hours or so.  She often takes a two hour nap in the morning and an hour nap in the afternoon.  Every day seems to be different.

7:00     wake and change diaper

7:00     milk

7:30     breakfast, ½ cup cereal, jar of vegetables/fruit

            change diaper

8:00     play

10:00   milk

10:00   nap

11:30   wake, change diaper

12:00   lunch, jar of fruit

12:30   play

1:00     milk, change diaper

3:00     nap

4:00     milk, change diaper, play

5:30     dinner, jar of vegetables/fruit, ½ cup of cereal

6:00     play, change diaper

7:00     milk, change into PJs

7:30     change diaper, sleep

If she has a little bump we rub her head and tell her it’s ok.  If she has a big bump then we pick her up, hug her, and give her the pacifier.

When I change her diaper I use the hair dryer to make sure she is fully dry so that she doesn’t get diaper rash.  The hair dryer should be six inches away and on low heat so that she does not get burned.

She can never be left alone unless she is in her crib.  The house is dangerous for her and not childproof.

She should not be left alone in her crib for more than ten minutes per day.

She should not be disciplined (no yelling, no hitting, no time outs).  She does not understand the word no.

We are trying to teach her sign language and are focusing on three words: milk, eat, and more.  Please use these signs.

Develop a plan for playing:

Physical development

                        Tummy time

                        Eye hand coordination

Music time

Character development

                        Eye contact

                        Interaction

Application and Interview:

Name

Address

Phone

Do you smoke

Do you live with someone who smokes

Do you own a gun

Would you take my daughter to a house that has a gun

Is the gun separate from the amunition

Is the gun in a locked cabinet

Who else has access tot he gun

Do you have CPR training

Do you have training or education in child care

Where was your last job

Why did you leave

Why are you looking for childcare work

What are your plans for the future

Would you be available for full time work

When

Do you have a resume

Do you have any health problems that might impact your job performance

Tell me about your childhood

What’s one of your favorite memories

How did you family handle problems

Do you have a valid drivers license                            number ____________________

Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

Would you submit to a background check

On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest) how would you rate yourself?

Ability to be a self starter

Ability to follow directions

Patience

Common Sense

Ability to make friends

Ease in social situations

Ability to speak up when something bothers you even if someone might get angry

Ability to relate to adults

Ability to relate to children

Sense of playfulness

Control of temper

Sense of humor

Honesty

Neatness

Maturity

What do you enjoy the most about working with children

What do you enjoy the least about working with children

Can you cook

What do babies like best about you

How do you handle discipline and setting limits

Do you think babies should be picked up when they cry

Do you think you can spoil a baby

What would you do if the baby did not stop crying

How would you soothe the baby for a nap

What type of activities would you think would be of interest for an 11 month old

What would a typical day be like?

Would you attend neighborhood moms groups

Would you help out around the house (make baby food) while the baby sleeps

How do you feel about taking care of a slightly ill baby

What do you think makes for a happy childhood

Have you ever had to handle an emergency

What happened

What do you do to relax

What do you like most about yourself

What would you like to improve

Who are your references

Would you invite friends over to the house

Do you have a boyfriend/husband – tell me about him, what does he do, where is he

List: How to teach your child a second language; even if you only speak one.

There are many things I want for my daughter and many things I can give her.  But I cannot give her a second language because I do not know one.  My grandparents spoke different languages but they were lost in the generations.

I started by hiring Spanish speaking babysitters, having her watch TV only in Spanish, and taking her to Spanish classes.  Eventually I took her to Mexico, Costa Rica, Peru, and Ecuador to study/speak/practice Spanish, months at a time.  This travel can be done inexpensively for $12 a day for room, food, and Spanish lessons; depending on the school.  I am proud to say, she is now bilingual and would like to study French.

These are generic suggestions that can be applied to any language for a learner at any age.  There are local references here but you will be able to find local schools which specialize in a variety of languages.

1. Hire a Spanish speaking nanny. Even if you don’t have young children.

2. Hire a tutor from SJSU or another local University at $10.00/$15.00 an hour for private lessons.  Talk!  Find someone who will encourage you to talk even though it's uncomfortable at first.

3. In Campbell, CA take your child to Susy Dorn’s musical Spanish classes.   http://www.letssinginspanish.com

4. Watch movies that you have already seen in English and watch them in Spanish by changing the language in setup.

5. Watch Spanish TV Novellas and Que Dice Gente (family fued).

6. Watch these shows in Spanish and turn on the Closed Captioning so you can watch, hear and read in Spanish all at the same time.

7. Watch cartoons on KQED in SAP, second audio channel. NBC is now offering many popular programs in SAP like Greys Anatomy.

8. Use Muzzy video tapes.

9. Identify a room, situation, time that you will always use the language. For example when you are in the car, after dinner, in the kitchen.  Stick to it.

10. Listen to AM talk radio in Spanish.

11. Join the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce.

12. Purchase your services (cleaning, gardening, personal trainer, haircuts, anything) in Spanish. Use the aisle with the cashier at the grocery store who speaks Spanish; go to Spanish restaurants.

13. 123TeachMe has online Spanish learning: grammar, vocabulary, verb conjugations, http://www.123teachme.com/

14. Get accents to use on your computer when typing Spanish. http://www.studyspanish.com/accents/typing.htm

16. Get the monthly Spanish magazine Speak and Learn Spanish also get the CD to listen & read. 

17. Buy Spanish language learning CDs and put them on your iPod. Library has free CDs and videos.

18. Tape your own voice speaking Spanish and listen to your voice over and over. Repeat conjugations.

19. Use paragraph translation tools such as Babelfish and Google sparingly. http://babelfish.altavista.com/

20. Purchase Babylon http://www.Babylon.com  or Wordmagic http://www.wordmagicsoft.com/ for installed translations; online access not necessary. Use sparingly.

21. Go to Berlitz. Put their transcript CDs on your iPod.  Expensive; recommended only if you are not on a budget.

22. Join Spanish online web based meetup groups for free.

23. Volunteer at schools that speak Spanish. Silicon Valley Schools: River Glen, Escuela Popular, Gardner, Sherman Oaks.

24. Purchase and use Rosetta Stone for Spanish.

25. Go to Mexico etc. for school during the summer. For a list of schools use http://www.123teachme.com/ Do not go in a group, do not go where there are lots of tourists, and stay w/ a family that does not speak English.  Do not speak or think in English while traveling.

26. Watch Destinos novella on your computer. A Spanish novella designed to teach Spanish. Slow speaking.

http://www.learner.org/resources/series75.html

27. Purchase Franklin pocket translator/computer that gives definitions, congregates verbs, and has games. There is also another version that will speak the correct pronunciation.

28. Use Language Exchange for $30.00 http://www.sanfranciscolanguageexchange.com/

29. Join the CommonWealth Club and attend free classes. 

30. Personalize your Google web with:

Spanish word of the second

http://lookwayup.com/lwu.exe/lwu/d;w=Word+Roulette;slang=Esl

Spanish word of the day and lessons

http://www.donquijote.org/pdd/

Notes in Spanish and listen to PodCasts

http://www.notesinspanish.com/2007/02/08/more-real-spanish-on-the-net/

Spanish words

http://www.braser.com/spanword.php

31. check out this video 

http://www.fluentin3months.com/language-hacking-guide/

 

32. Check out this article:

http://artofmanliness.com/2011/07/01/becoming-a-man-of-the-world-how-to-learn-another-language/

 

33. Never give up!

Mothers as Bystanders to social bullying

Mothers as Bystanders

Mothers, who can identify relational aggression and take positive action to stop the bullying, demonstrate to their daughters, sons, and other girls the power of the bystander.  I recently had a conversation with a young girl helping her practice the words she could use to stop bullying when she saw it occur.  Her response to me ‘But you’re so self confident, I can’t stop a bully.’  It takes courage, whether you are a mother or a daughter or a son to respond to social bullying.  Practice helps.  When girls see mothers stop bullying with gentle and positive direction, they too can build the confidence in refusing to remain neutral.

Without role models, to demonstrate how girls can resolve conflicts and deal positively with negative emotions, bullying will continue to exist in a social form.  On numerous occasions mothers have come to me complaining about how another mother behaved toward them.  Often this behavior was the form of bullying and while daughters and other mothers were present.  I often review the issues with the offended mother and suggest strategies to re-build relationships.  However, frequently the offending mother does not want to discuss her role nor her impact; leaving the offended mother with few options and the observing girls left to wonder how to deal effectively with bullying.  Mothers can have the confidence to speak up in the moment and stop bullying as both a bystander and as a victim.

Mothers cannot be bystanders to the relational aggression and bullying of other mothers, especially if done in front of girls.  We cannot expect our daughters to behave any differently in a bystander situation if mothers cannot also remove themselves from the protection of neutrality and take a vocal stand against the bullying of another mother or of themselves.

List of effective responses to social bullying

Ignoring a bullying situation does not make it go away.  Girls/Boys need tools: to deal with the pressure of being a bystander, being a victim as well as being the bully.  For example both the victim and the bystander need examples of words to use to be assertive.    Practicing these words in a variety of safe scripted environments, similar as practicing a fire drill, allows girls to be prepared and have their tools easily accessible.  Having tools at the ready means that girls and boys can respond immediately, just as if they were responding to a fire.   

In developing your own skits each response should include three elements: state a clear description of the behavior, state directly that the bystander or victim does not like the behavior, and state clearly that the behavior must stop immediately.  

Examples of direct responses for bystanders and victims can include:

• That’s bullying and you should stop.     
• I can see what you are doing and I don’t like it, stop hurting her feelings.      
• She feels bad about herself when you say that, stop.                                           
• You may not want to be mean but you are saying mean things, stop.              
• When you exclude her from the group I don’t like how she feels and I don’t want to be a part of this group.                                                              
• You are trying to make yourself feel better by making her feel worse, stop it.       
• That’s a rumor.  It would hurt her feelings if she heard us and we should not talk about her like this.                                                                        
• You only want to be friends with me now because there is no one else around.  I don’t want a part-time friend.
• You say that you are kidding but the words you choose hurt.  It doesn’t matter whether this is kidding or teasing - it needs to stop.
• That joke was embarrassing, stop.
• Those texts are harassing, stop them now.
• When you shrug your shoulders and roll your eyes while I’m talking I feel disrespected and I get the message that you don’t like me.  You don’t have to like me but when I’m talking to the class, pay attention and do not encourage others not to listen to me.
• You are competing with her and she is being hurt, she doesn’t feel good about herself.  Compete with yourself instead of competing against her.
• I think we should include her opinion too.  It’s not fair to exclude her from the group.

Please notice that in these responses the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ were not used.  Please can be perceived, in the moment, as asking rather than telling.  The bystander and victim must firmly tell the bully to stop the behavior of bullying.  Gratitude and appreciation for the cessation of bullying may occur, when the bullying finally comes to a complete halt.

Explaining why the victim or bystander does not like the behavior or exploring the emotional impact, other than naming it as bullying, is unnecessary in the first moments that bullying takes place.  It is critical that the response be clear and immediate from the victim and bystander.

The Impact of Bystanders

The Impact of Bystanders

There is no neutrality when it comes to being a bystander.  I recently witnessed a girl yelling and shaking her finger at another girl in public in front of other girls.  She felt she was justified; she felt she had caught the other girl doing something wrong; she wanted to make sure others knew and that there was a public apology.  I overheard another girl say “I’m neutral.  I’m not taking sides.”  This was a form of ‘justified’ bullying and the bystander actually participated in the bullying by being neutral.

Bystanders are as responsible for bullying as the bully herself.  Bullying demands an audience; girl relationship aggression requires support and compliance from others.  Bullying would not exist in its strongest form were it not for the bystander.  The victim perceives both the bully and the bystanders as against them, even though the bystander may profess to be neutral.  The victim becomes even more isolated and more hurt when no one steps in to help.

There can be no neutrality from peers, from teachers, from parents, from schools when it comes to bullying.  Studies show that if girls jump into the role of socially encouraged peacemaker during a bullying conflict, the bullying will continue.   To defeat bullying, the position of bystander must be thoroughly examined and an active response by the bystander encouraged.