The Difference between Boys and Girls - Bullying

The Difference between Girls and Boys

Boys have been taught from an early age that they can express their aggression, anger and frustration in physical ways.  There are many positive ways in which this is done as in sports and competition.  There are also negative ways, with negative impacts on others, such as fighting, bullying, or hitting.  Our society can more easily accept boy’s aggressive behavior and mothers can still be heard to say “boys will be boys”.

Both boys and girls can be socially aggressive and bully through relationships and both girls and boys can bully physically.  The difference is in how society accepts or tolerates each type of bullying and the unique pressure on girls to be caretakers and ‘be nice’ without resources to appropriately express anger.

Bullying is not only for boys.  Girl bullying is just as hurtful, destructive, and violent as their counterparts but needs to be named as such and addressed differently.  Although the behavior of girl bullying differs from the physical boy bullying, the result and impact on the victim is the same.  Some would argue that the social and emotional bullying that girls or boys do is far more destructive and profound as the wounds cannot be seen and may take a lifetime to heal.  

Girls have been taught from an early age, that anger is not a valued attribute for girls.  Our society tells girls to be ‘nice’, to play ‘nice’ and be the ‘peacemaker’.  Girls who are assertive can often be labeled as bossy but the difference between assertive or bossy and bullying is clearest in the substantial negative impact bullying has on its victims and bystanders.  

Bullying can be difficult to see as girls are instructed to be nice without negative feelings at the expense of being her real self.  Bullying is hidden so the bully can still be a ‘nice girl’, have the socially accepted appearance of being a ‘nice girl’, while still releasing her aggression.  

From kindergarten on, girls learn the importance of social relationships and often will do things and say things in order to protect their sense of wellbeing in these relationships.  When girls are willing to say anything, or do anything to protect their social relationships, status in these relationships, or to gain further importance or acceptance in these relationships, that is when bullying takes place.  Girls become desperate to hold on to their ‘social currency’.

"Our culture stigmatizes assertive (direct), professional women, casting them as cold, frigid b...s doomed to failure in their personal lives.  I want to emphasize how this particular stereotype communicates to girls their worst fear: that to become assertive in anyway (or to have negative feelings - anger, jealousy) will terminate their relationships and disqualify them from the primary social currency in their lives, tenderness and nurturing.  When competition and desire cannot be enacted in healthy ways and when girls are expected to give priority to care and relationship, resentment, confusion and retribution follow shortly behind." Rachel Simmons Odd Girl Out

The most socially adept girls in class, who say the right things publicly, appear to be most popular, or appear to have many friends, are often the girls who can be most skilled in bullying.  Because of their advanced social skills they know how to hide the bullying from the watchful eyes of parents and teachers.  Often very attentive to subtle cues, they are able to bully unnoticed if the observer does not know what to look for in bullying behavior.  And because of these skills know how to use relational bullying where it will do the most damage to egos and friendships.