List of effective responses to social bullying

Ignoring a bullying situation does not make it go away.  Girls/Boys need tools: to deal with the pressure of being a bystander, being a victim as well as being the bully.  For example both the victim and the bystander need examples of words to use to be assertive.    Practicing these words in a variety of safe scripted environments, similar as practicing a fire drill, allows girls to be prepared and have their tools easily accessible.  Having tools at the ready means that girls and boys can respond immediately, just as if they were responding to a fire.   

In developing your own skits each response should include three elements: state a clear description of the behavior, state directly that the bystander or victim does not like the behavior, and state clearly that the behavior must stop immediately.  

Examples of direct responses for bystanders and victims can include:

• That’s bullying and you should stop.     
• I can see what you are doing and I don’t like it, stop hurting her feelings.      
• She feels bad about herself when you say that, stop.                                           
• You may not want to be mean but you are saying mean things, stop.              
• When you exclude her from the group I don’t like how she feels and I don’t want to be a part of this group.                                                              
• You are trying to make yourself feel better by making her feel worse, stop it.       
• That’s a rumor.  It would hurt her feelings if she heard us and we should not talk about her like this.                                                                        
• You only want to be friends with me now because there is no one else around.  I don’t want a part-time friend.
• You say that you are kidding but the words you choose hurt.  It doesn’t matter whether this is kidding or teasing - it needs to stop.
• That joke was embarrassing, stop.
• Those texts are harassing, stop them now.
• When you shrug your shoulders and roll your eyes while I’m talking I feel disrespected and I get the message that you don’t like me.  You don’t have to like me but when I’m talking to the class, pay attention and do not encourage others not to listen to me.
• You are competing with her and she is being hurt, she doesn’t feel good about herself.  Compete with yourself instead of competing against her.
• I think we should include her opinion too.  It’s not fair to exclude her from the group.

Please notice that in these responses the words ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ were not used.  Please can be perceived, in the moment, as asking rather than telling.  The bystander and victim must firmly tell the bully to stop the behavior of bullying.  Gratitude and appreciation for the cessation of bullying may occur, when the bullying finally comes to a complete halt.

Explaining why the victim or bystander does not like the behavior or exploring the emotional impact, other than naming it as bullying, is unnecessary in the first moments that bullying takes place.  It is critical that the response be clear and immediate from the victim and bystander.