List of phrases identified as social bullying

Words

“Words do hurt” was on one of the cards recently held up by a young girl on YouTube in 2011 trying to explain how she felt about being bullied.  "Think before you say things. It might save lives," was another card.  The list of names that she was called is long and random; the only things the words had in common were that they were designed to hurt.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37_ncv79fLA

Phrases, such as:

• "If you don't do this (give me something, steal, lie, sit next to me at lunch) I will not be your friend."    "You can't be my friend if you are also friends with them".  These phrases hold the friendship hostage, are bullying, and are a sure sign of a part-time friend.
• "I don't know why you're getting so upset - I'm just kidding."  This leaves the victim in a confused state, if she is just kidding then what she thought just happened did not happen and she begins to doubt herself and her own feelings of hurt and rejection.  Kidding can be just as emotionally violent as any other form of bullying and needs to be directly addressed to be stopped.
• "No offense, but could you leave?" An insult guised with softening words such as ‘no offense’ to soften the blow of the message and validate that the bully is trying to be nice.
• "I don't want to be mean, but my parents said you talk too much."   Again the bully can feel good about her statements because she is just repeating something she heard and does not take responsibility for the words themselves.  She also protects herself with the softening words as she ‘doesn’t want to be mean’; she feels safe that she is still in the cloak of socially required niceness.
• "I didn't mean it so you can't get mad at me."  The bully can feel safe by taking back her words that she did not really mean to say them.  But by defending herself she admits to the real intention.
• "Now see what you did?  That's all you fault."  Blaming another for a problem allows the bully to escape from responsibility and shift the public focus onto the victim who may or may not have contributed.
• "I'm not mad at you" but then talking behind her back about why she deserves to be mad.  Lying is an easy escape to avoid directly addressing feelings and then justifying the lie and the reason for talking behind someone’s back.
• “I heard she did this.  Can you believe it?”  Rumors are hurtful and can take on a life of their own in person, texting, or in some form on the internet.
• “The reasons that your feelings get hurt are so lame.”  Sharing feelings of sadness or hurt puts the sharing girl in a position of vulnerability and when criticized for these feelings she will feel further hurt and doubt the validity of her own feelings.

Two areas which deserve special note are indirect verbal aggression and justified bullying.  Indirect verbal aggression is when every sharp comment is quickly followed by the disclaimer, "Just kidding" or "I didn’t mean it, no offense." These are words to soften the blow.  Simmons writes that every person is entitled to set clear boundaries by establishing "a no joke zone."  Girls can inform their group that at the lunch table or in the classroom they do not want jokes or teasing.

‘Justified bullying’ is when the bully finds a reason that has some logic, for bullying.  Whether the bully chooses to use the phrase ‘they deserved it’ because the victim is too cute, too clumsy or whatever the reason, that has an element of truth.  Justified bullying can be deceiving at first to recognize because the element of truth which exists within the bullying.  Of course there is no justification for bullying.